I never wanted what the others wanted.

I just wanted to be free.

When he came for me, that all changed.

It’s really weird, calling it a “he,” but I’m certain that’s what he is.

It was exactly one week after my 18th birthday. I was falling asleep and he came in through the window, as if the glass and the curtains weren’t even there.

He was floating for a bit in my room, just kind of hovering there, softly glowing, but too dim to light up anything but himself.

Then I could feel him going into my nostrils. My whole body was paralyzed. I couldn’t really tell if my eyes were closed or open, only that I was breathing like I was fast asleep.

The feeling of him climbing inside was indescribable. Not a physical feeling of touch, but more like breathing in a hot breath, and then everything went numb.

I felt all these memories of someone else. Or many someone else’s. But, they were all male, that I’m 100% sure of. All the memories were definitely formed by someone who had the body of a man. They were intimately familiar, but distinct from my own, as though I suddenly knew everything about a childhood friend that I had known forever.

I had heard stories from Hapahe’e, of their other halves being the opposite gender, or mixed. There’s an air about them, a kind of otherworldliness. I honestly don’t know if I should feel relieved or disappointed that my Lapuhe’e is a man. I guess it doesn’t matter now.

As a child I was never good at manalaka. Not like the other kids. I couldn’t make the things they made. I didn’t have much of an imagination. I preferred the water. I love to dive. When I dive, I feel free.

Had I not become Hapahe’e, I would have become a diver for sure.

But, everything is different now. I can’t speak for destiny or faith, but I have a drive now that I’ve never had before. I understand the Hapahe’e and the lust for adventure. You want to get on that ship. You want to stare down that portal and fly into wherever it takes you. It’s madness, but it’s bliss.

You know, someone once asked, does my Lapuhe’e have a name? No, I recall saying. I don’t think any of them do. They just… are. It’s not a good answer, I know, but that’s what I’ve come to believe.

In two days, the next portal opens. Until then, my other half is eating all it can. I feel bad for Scarlett, but I hope she understands. This is the way things are. Maybe she’ll wait for me to come back in a month. Maybe she won’t. Is it bad to think it doesn’t matter?

She is one person, one human being, and I am…

I am free.

— Jericho Motu’teo, memory log